His Age: 48
(looked 68) (5 years my senior – allegedly – 2010)
His City:
Sausalito
Setting: Drinks
and dinner, Piazza D’Angelo Ristorante – Mill Valley
“I'm sorry, we'll
have take it slow. I'm injured,” my date
said as he hobbled toward me. All
hunched over and moving at a painstakingly slow speed, he'd inadvertently aged
himself an additional 10 years at first glance, which put him squarely at age
78.
He beamed at me
confidently, completely unaffected by the state of his wardrobe, which made me
question his sanity and state of living conditions. Like, does he actually have a roof over his
head at night?
The '70s were
awesome, but the light-tan corduroy jacket needed to be retired after the enormous
red wine stain across the lapel had set in – as faded as it was, my guess was
several years ago. His t-shirt had
lettering on it (I didn't bother to read) and food stains and grease in swirls
and patterns from top to bottom. I tried
not to look at his pants.
Since I'm a
pretty good sport, and because I was already there, I was going to make the
best of it. And as all good women do, I
had the thought, “If he turns out to be fantastic, I'll dress him.”
Our plan was to
meet for a drink at the local Italian restaurant in town. After he chose the table, he asked for a
menu.
“Wait, we said
drinks only, right?” I asked.
“No, I'm
hungry. You should get something.”
To make a long
and boring evening brief and less torturous for you, I'll just say the
conversation was tedious. He offered
nothing. I had to extract information
and encourage his participation by throwing out topics for him to consider. This type of non-participation is commonly
demonstrated by men who don’t want to be on a date with you but are not man enough
to end it. With 53 dates under my belt,
I’m well familiar with this scenario.
But in this case, this non-participator actually liked me, and that fact
alone made it even worse.
As we wrapped up
our meal he asked, “Can I tell you how I injured myself?”
Finally, he gave
me something interesting to work with. “Sure!”
“Are you sure?”
(My clue.)
“Sure I'm
sure.” I wasn’t sure.
“I was in a
motorcycle accident last week. Something
happened in my groin area, and well... all the blood rushed to my johnson. So I've had an erection since Friday. It won't go away. I've been to the hospital, and they are
talking about surgery but it’s risky. I
don't want to attempt that for at least one month. I want to see if it will heal on its own.” (Fair enough.)
He continued,
“The good news about it is I would be a really fun time in the sack right
now. It would be like I was on Viagra –
it won't go down, no matter what.” (Are
you fucking kidding me?)
“So this is happening
to you right now?” I asked.
“Yes.”
(Pause.) “So then
you don't actually know if you're sexually attracted to me or not...” I said in
my snarkiest tone.
“Thank you for
such a generous offer,” I continued, “but I need to decline.”
The check came to
him. I politely asked, “May I help?”
“Yes, $30,
please.”
A quick
calculation and a stolen glance at the check revealed that amount was double
the cost of what I’d had.
As my friend
Alanis says, “You Live, You Learn.”
5 Hot Tips
I Offer To You:
#1. Don't talk about your junk (i.e., your johnson) on a first date.
#2. If your date is talking about his junk, excuse yourself,
permanently.
(Unless you want to have sex with him – in which case, listen and
learn.)
#3. If you've injured yourself, have any ailments, rashes, breakouts
or swollen anything that could cast you in a severe negative light, take the
week off from dating.
#4. If you're not hungry, don't order.
#5. If you're not into him, don't stay.
